If anyone has suffered from IF you know there are good days and bad days. The bad days hit you hard when you least expect it.
Take tonight for example. I was posting on the regular IF threads that I always do, and WHAM I started thinking about everything that IF has taken from me. I try to think of all the good things I have gained from this experience (knowledge, understanding of my body, good friends to share these experiences with, strength.....) But the bad keeps taking over my thoughts.
So I have decided to make a list of all the things IF have taken from me.

*trust in myself as a wife and woman *patience
*my ability to enjoy life * happiness
*my thoughts *the meaning of the word RELAX
*my ability to be happy for others who are pg
*and most importantly it has taken my chance to have a family of my very own.

Now what has IF given me?
*uncomfortable conversations with family & friends (in fear that they may say something to upset me)
*The ability to cry at the sight of a pg woman, or a baby on T.V.
*The ability to see who my TRUE friends are.
*The ability to just smile, when someone asks if I'm pg yet....and then cry later
*The ablilty to see when people are putting pity on me

Now this might just be the clomid talking tonight.....
either way, unless you've been here, you will never know how any of this feels

Try to move on.....

I find myself doing anything I can these days to make myself feel better.

Anything to forget about IF. Its not easy. We went back home to visit this weekend, and it was nice to just get away. And for one second, it made me forget the pain that was waiting for me when I returned to the place I now call home.

My friend and I are trying to work on our spring re-vamp. I NEED something to help me feel better. I am going to acupuncture again (couldn't go for 2 weeks), cutting my hair......and many other things that I had started last cycle.

Maybe the relaxing, and feeling better about myself is exactly what I need for a successful IUI this time around........

I will try anything.....

Back to square one....

Well if anyone is reading this, heres the verdict....BFN

Honestly am I suprised?? Not really. How do I feel then.....hollow. I dont care anymore. Whats the point? That only brings me more heartache.

I told DH on his b-day that I wasn't pg. He took it well, even though I felt so bad. He was dealing with a sad wife, on his day. I tried to fool him, and pretend it didn't bother me, but he always knows.

Had the test read BFP, I had a plan. We would go out for dinner, then go home where I would pull out the cake that said "Happy birthday Daddy" and have a picture of a rattle on it. The card would read love CJ & baby. It would have been perfect.

Instead the cake read happy birthday- and the card said love your wife.....

once again something is missing from our lives, and has left a huge hole in my heart.

To make matters worse, AF decided that a visit was needed. One more harsh reminder, that I can not give myself or dh the one thing we both long for......

27 months....could this be it??

So I had the IUI 4 days ago, and the hardest thing now (aside from the tww) is not reading into every little twinge and pain. I feel a cramp, is that the egg implanting? I have increased cm, is that from my baby? I bent over and my bbs hurt, is that from the pg hormones?



Sunday night I came down with the flu. Pretty bad actually. But everytime I leaned over the toilet to puke, I smiled, because, maybe, just maybe its from my baby and not the flu at all. What the heck am I going to do for 10 more days???



This has been such a hectic week for us, mixed in with alot of bad luck. I hope beyond hopes this is really it for us. If anything else we need something good to happen to push away the bad luck that has struck us lately.

This could be it....

So, I think my IUI will be tomorrow or the next day. The opk had a faint line this morning, so very faint, but it was there. The monitor is still reading low.

I was watching a show the other night, and it was about people who thought they had all the time in the world to start a family. So they kept putting it off. Turns out the wife dies in an accident, before she got her IVF. It was really sad. DH told me not to watch it, but I did, and spent the rest of the night crying.

Then I started thinking, what the heck am I getting myself into? How do I know we will even be good parents? Will I be patient enough? Will I know what to do?

Man there are so many thoughts going through my head, while I sit here wondering if tomorrow's the big day. It seems so fitting, that the day after our anniversary, I get my IUI. BUT I'm worried its not going to work. But I'm excited that it might work. I'm trying to keep myself grounded, but a new step means more hope. Every new step brings hope.....

Well now that I have written all the confusion down, I'm going to spend the rest of my anniversary with DH....heres to success whenever I O.....

Starting the newest chapter

Well my temps dropped today, which means af should be here today or tomorrow. To be honest I am still dissapointed, alot actually, but am still ok with this. I'm ready to call the clinic as soon as af shows her ugly face. I'm picking up the clomid this morning. This just HAS to work right??

I think the thing that bothers me the most is no more 2008 baby for me :( Now I'm into 2009. We started this stuff in '06, and I'm hopfully going to finally get my baby in '09....Thats so long!!

Well now all I can do is pray, as I move onto the next chapter. I pray that all goes well, I pray that this works, I pray I only have to do 1, and mostly I pray that I maintain my sanity through this next battle.

Its out of my hands now....

Sorry, you want me to relax??

RELAX. Wow that is one word, who's meaning has changed so much for me in the last 26 months. When I used to hear the word, I would think hot tubs, and beaches, and hot summer days.....it used to make me smile.

It was the good advice you could give someone who was upset, or worried. It was what you would try to do on your days off. Its what your cat will do in the sun rays on your rug.

Relax. The word brings tears to my eyes. It makes me want to scream and yell. It makes me hate, and judge people. Its the worst advice you can give. Its what I long for on my days off.

I hate the word...and no matter how far along you are in your ttc journey, if your advice is to just relax.....then you have never been where I have been. Because if it was that easy, the word would never have changed its meaning to me.

So I think it would be a whole lot better to say this: Maybe CJ you weren't ment to be a Mom. Survival of the fittest my dear, and you can not reproduce. You should give up. When you aren't around we talk about you...when you are there we are so careful about what we say, because we dont want to upset you. You get upset easy. We are excited for others pregnancies but pretend that we aren't. Poor girl.

Both are like a slap in the face.....but atleast then you aren't using that horrible word again!