So after a few days of thinking, and feeling sorry for myself, I have come to this conclusion. I dont want to do this anymore. I dont mean give up on ttc (although there are some days I'd like to do that too) but no more iui's. I want to move onto ivf. I want to be put on the wait list, and I dont want to have to worry about ttc for atleast 5 months. I need that break.
I'm waiting to hear back from my clinic to see if they will let me do just that. If not, fine, I will go through the motions for iui, but honestly I dont care anymore about any of it. I want to move on. So I know I have said before that ivf scares me, now it kinda excites me (and still scares me a bit). Deep down I never thought iui would work (I know I wrote it too)....and now I want to look towards the future.
I also switched acupuncturists.....maybe that will help. Again, I dont even care.....I just want to enjoy the rest of my summer, and hope I can do it without IF hanging over my head anymore!
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I'm a horrible, horrible person.....
Its nothing I did, its more how I feel. I dont want to offend anyone, but I need to get this out.
Way back when they were testing us for IF, I wish they had found something wrong. I believe that if they had found something wrong we would be alot further ahead in our treatments. There are so many people who haven't been ttc as long as we have, but have so much more under their belts.....
I just cant help but think that I have waited so long, for nothing. They say your young, DH's swimmers are great, your tubes are clear, and only 1 m/c.....so you can wait....Your considered UN-EXPLAINED.....WTF?
Now here's where Cj gets really selfish.....I work with a lady, we'll call her "Miss". Now "Miss" has been ttc for 1 year. She is 35. She is being refered to the clinic here at the end of this cycle. From some minor tests that her dr has done, she already knows that he dh's swimmers, aren't all swimming the way they should. So what does this likely mean for "Miss"? Well she is dealing with age + poor swimmers = one more person I will see come and go in my time ttc.......I'm sure all her tests are going to be rushed.....she might even get to skip iui all together.....maybe they will bump her straight to IVF. She might even get on the wait list before us.........
Now I sound like a skank. I'm really not, I'm just having a hard time. "Miss" talks to me all the time, like she knows what its like. And yes she might know what its like to want a baby but not get one......but she doesn't know what its like to ttc for years and watch all the people get pg, and leave you, once again in this ttc gloom, alone.
I dont want to be last anymore.
Its nothing I did, its more how I feel. I dont want to offend anyone, but I need to get this out.
Way back when they were testing us for IF, I wish they had found something wrong. I believe that if they had found something wrong we would be alot further ahead in our treatments. There are so many people who haven't been ttc as long as we have, but have so much more under their belts.....
I just cant help but think that I have waited so long, for nothing. They say your young, DH's swimmers are great, your tubes are clear, and only 1 m/c.....so you can wait....Your considered UN-EXPLAINED.....WTF?
Now here's where Cj gets really selfish.....I work with a lady, we'll call her "Miss". Now "Miss" has been ttc for 1 year. She is 35. She is being refered to the clinic here at the end of this cycle. From some minor tests that her dr has done, she already knows that he dh's swimmers, aren't all swimming the way they should. So what does this likely mean for "Miss"? Well she is dealing with age + poor swimmers = one more person I will see come and go in my time ttc.......I'm sure all her tests are going to be rushed.....she might even get to skip iui all together.....maybe they will bump her straight to IVF. She might even get on the wait list before us.........
Now I sound like a skank. I'm really not, I'm just having a hard time. "Miss" talks to me all the time, like she knows what its like. And yes she might know what its like to want a baby but not get one......but she doesn't know what its like to ttc for years and watch all the people get pg, and leave you, once again in this ttc gloom, alone.
I dont want to be last anymore.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Another IUI down....
Well I had IUI #2 today.....I have found my egg, now I just pray that the sperm does too. Come on baby!!!!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Its so un-fair!
Well there were 2 people I dreaded hearing about getting pregnant.....and they now both are. So to sound like a horrible person here, they are both my cousins. Now one I knew about, and took it really hard when I found out, but the other I found out today. My Mom wanted to be the first to tell me, I know she wanted to spare my feelings, but I still couldn't believe it.
Now the part that bothers me the most is this: She just found out and she's 12 weeks!! How do you find out in the second trimester??? So now I know someone with 1 ovary-pregnant 1st month ttc, My cousin who got pg not even ttc, and now this cousin also not ttc but also 12 weeks along!!! I'm not trying to sound horrible here, or offend anyone, but I cant even ovulate properly and these people are popping out babies left and right.....
I love my cousins, and I try to be happy for them, but this green monster just takes over. And once again finding myself asking, why me? Why do I get to be soooo special??
And to make matters worse, my egg is still missing. I'm praying that I can have the IUI tomorrow.....Please, let me atleast have that. I can get inseminsated like an animal, while the others go on to enjoy their easily come-by prgnancies......
Now the part that bothers me the most is this: She just found out and she's 12 weeks!! How do you find out in the second trimester??? So now I know someone with 1 ovary-pregnant 1st month ttc, My cousin who got pg not even ttc, and now this cousin also not ttc but also 12 weeks along!!! I'm not trying to sound horrible here, or offend anyone, but I cant even ovulate properly and these people are popping out babies left and right.....
I love my cousins, and I try to be happy for them, but this green monster just takes over. And once again finding myself asking, why me? Why do I get to be soooo special??
And to make matters worse, my egg is still missing. I'm praying that I can have the IUI tomorrow.....Please, let me atleast have that. I can get inseminsated like an animal, while the others go on to enjoy their easily come-by prgnancies......
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Where did my eggie go????
Well the monitor has been reading high for 3 days now. I had a faint line on the opk's but now can't seem to see anything.....if anyone has seen a stray egg floating around somewhere, can you send it home please? I really need to get this IUI underway.......
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