So I have been bleeding...still. And it seems to be getting worse. It comes and goes....
When will this end? I want to enjoy this pregnancy, but when can that happen?
I hear the little heartbeat everytime I see blood and it helps me stay sane, but I still pray non stop for my little bean.
Being 17 weeks, you'd think that things would be going more smoothly.
I am counting down the days until my next OB appointment, and still pray its all good news.

15 weeks, one strong heartbeat, and some little baby kicks....

Well I'm happy to announce that I have made it this far! It still feels like such a strange dream, and I just need to wake up.

I had my first OB appointment 2 weeks ago (I know I'm a bad girl, and not updating sooner) but it went great! She even told me why I was spotting for the past 10 weeks. I had my shot, and now I feel....more safe.

I actually felt better for about 2 days.....it scared the crap outta me. But dont worry I'm back to the ol' puking my guts out, and I feel much, much better. The OB was alittle concerned that I only have gained 3 lbs so far, but said everything was looking perfect.....Including the most amazing thing I have heard so far! A heartbeat going 168 bpm.....

And then theres the KICKS! Thats right, little flutters, but not gas....every now and then. Its when you LEAST expect it, and oh so distracting! I love it, and cant wait for them to happen more and more.

I thank God everyday for this little miracle

It doesn't get easier....

I always thought being pregnant would be easier then dealing with IF.
I always thought that things would just go so smoothly after everthing I had been through.
I always thought that it would be the first time in 2 1/2 years I could finally RELAX.
I think I was wrong....

RH- blood. Not good. If the baby has a positive blood type (which is most likely) and our blood mixes, then my body will attack it like its not suspose to be there. Fine I need to get some needles to fix the problem. One at 26 weeks and a bunch after I deliver (or no more children for Cj) BUT.....
I'm STILL spotting. Thats right, going on 6 weeks now. Oh it comes and goes, but its there. Everytime I use the potty, I dread the wipe...you never know if it will be pink. And now with it is coming cramps. Could be stretching I suspose.....
My OB cant see me until the 23rd, and my dr only works Mondays. So I have to wait all weekend, then god knows how long before I get another answer, as to whats going on.
I keep thinking, what if its the placenta??? If it is, then that can be bad, with my blood type. Why isn't anyone else worried about my future but me? I hate the dr's here. I was suspose to get a stat u/s, and they couldn't do anything for 2 months!!!! Well hello, I'm sure in 2 months, I'll know if things are progressing the way they should!!!
This might sound horrible, but I'm finding it so hard to get to attached to my little bean. Dont get me wrong, I love it, I'm happy, I wouldn't change it for the world. But my natural defences are worried, that I'm going to be even more hurt in the end. I wish I could just enjoy this time. But honestly, with a new part of my journey, has come new stresses.
I am praying that my little bean is ok.

9w 1d....starting to sink in now.

Ok I know I haven't been good with keeping 'up to date' on what is going on, but I honestly have been really sick. And if I'm not sick, I'm really tired.





But I guess I have a bit of updating to do. I had my ultrasound at 7w 1d, and saw the most beautiful and amazing heartbeat that I could have EVER seen. And yes there is just one. It was going at a steady 143 bpm too. I got them to make a cd of all the pictures, even though it looked like a new born mouse (yes I work in a petstore, so thats the best discription) and in some of them it looked like a blob. But in the centre of the blob is on tiny white dot, and thats its heart. I cant stop looking at it. The baby was measuring perfectly to the dates I gave her to.......so it was a quick implanter!



I am still having the spotting, from time to time. No one seems really concerned about it. And I find as time passes, I get less and less concerned too. Dont get me wrong I'm still a stress case about everything ;) I read in my here through Maturnity book that it is normal to have some bleeding up until 40 days past conception.......I'm 48 today and haven't had it for about 4 days now (knock on wood).



I have been really sick. I haven't been able to keep down water or milk......and dont even get me started on food. My dr put me on diclectin, which helps a tiny bit I guess.....Its hard though because I eat something and NEVER want to see it again.....I'm running out of choices very quickly!! Another thing is this horrible taste that I get in my mouth. I cant get rid of it, and it makes me puke too. But its only there sometimes....



I was suspose to have my prenatal physical today, but the dr really didn't do anything. She didn't want to do a pap, because of the spotting. She doesn't seem interested in answering any of my questions.....and I left almost in tears. She also said something about my blood being RH- so I need to get a shot at 24-26 weeks so my body doesn't reject the baby.....That worried me some, because I dont know what that means. I will be looking that up after too.



We were going to wait until 10-12 weeks to tell family but the cat was let outta the bag at our family reunion. Most family knows now, but we haven't told many others yet. Which is getting hard, because I have quite the booda belly already!! I notice co-workers looking at me, but I know they wont ask incase I'm just getting fat. Nothing fits anymore and I had to go buy new clothes (mostly mat clothes) and I love wearing them (not at work) because I actually do look pg.



So all in all things are good. I still feel this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And will take it again and again, morning sickness and all!



One last thing: I wanted to let anyone reading this know that I honestly believe dreams do come true. I know sometimes it seems so far away and sometimes things seem like forever, but I believe that things all happen for a reason. I always believed that even when my pain from IF was the highest. I never thought the day would come when I got my BFP, and sometimes I still find myself sitting there completely in awe over the fact that I am pregnant. I keep a few others in my prayers all the time, Liz & SR....and I know both your dreams are going to come true too. I am sooo excited for you SR as you sniff away. In a few months you'll be sitting back going over your journey in your head and then be able to smile and rub your belly and know that your little beans are in there too. Its the best feeling ever. And Liz hunny, I know your next. God has a baby for you too, and trust me, when it happens all the needles, and tests, and tears, will be a horrible memory. I never could have got this far without you guys......



ok hormones are taking over and I am all teary now. I just want you to know that I think about you both, always!

P.S. this is a random side thought that I wanted to share: I met a girl the other day who is getting a referral to the fs, and I felt soooo sad for her. We ended up talking forever, and know what she said to me? You give me hope. I was full of so much bitterness when dealing with IF that her words really touched me.

5w 3d.....

So yesterday I spent the ENTIRE day in the hospital. Yup sitting in the Emergency room watching all these 'almost Moms' coming in to have their babies. And I was crying. I thought they could go on to have their babies and I sit not knowing if mine is even ok.

Let me back up a bit. About 5 days ago a cramp started in my right ovary. Then the next day the spotting started. And it continued. So I went to the walk-in. All I remember him saying was blah-blah-possible ectopic! WHAT??? So he tried to get m in for a STAT u/s but in my city, no such luck. He said if it gets worse then go to the hospital.

Fast foward to yesterday: I couldn't sleep because of the cramping and the bleeding was worse. So I called dh and told him he had to take me in. They finally got me in, and did a million tests. After 2 ultrasounds and gallons of blood later, heres the verdict.

I have a cyst on my right ovary that ruptured (caused from none other then our lovely friend clomid) and it was bleeding (hense the blood). Now...... baby bean is good. They said that its there and cuddled in, but could not pick up a heartbeat yet. They assured me it was still early and probably off by just a few days. So far only 1 baby. My beta was 2172! Which is high. So either baby bean #2 is hiding behind #1 OR this one is a fast growing, healthy, pig!!! Either way, I'm feeling MUCH MUCH better!! And I'll live with the cramps now, I know everythings ok.

13 more days until u/s #2.

4 weeks and 1 day.......

So 10 dpiui, I couldn't take it any longer.....I had to test. I used one of my cheapies and first thing in the morning I ran to the bathroom to see......Well I got yet another BFN. I wasn't suprised at all! I went to work that day, and had the absolute WORST day ever!

When I came home I had this nagging feeling to test again. That and I had weird stuff happening all day. I thought I was going to puke for about a half hour, I felt bloated, and my boobs were hurting more then ever. So I tested again......and thats when I saw it. The faintest, of the faint lines you ever did see. I thought it was a shadow, so I stood on the toilet to get a better look in the light. Still there. I ran to the other bathroom and did the same thing.....still there. "Ok", I told myself "Its an evaporation line, go to bed". So I did.

The next morning I got up and tested again. There was that tiny little line again. Hmmmm. Could this really be it? I put it away and went outside to do some yard work. I was dizzy, and had to pee alot......so I did yet another test. There it was.....that little uber faint line. "Thats it" I told DH "I am going to buy some First Response tests and get this figured out once and for all!"

Well I came home and tested right away. It didn't even take a minute to see both of the most beautiful pink lines I have ever seen!!! I lost it. Yup, sitting there on the toilet, bawling, & shaking, and holding that test so tight, as if someone was going to steal it. It took about 15 minutes before I calmed down enough to get up and try to tell DH. I ran outside in time to see him drive away....he decided that right then he needed to go to the dump.
So for an hour I sat on the couch bawling, and still clutching that test.

Now about a year ago I bought a card for dh for if I ever did get pg. I dug that out. In between my sob's I wrote in it. So when DH got home he got the card and I managed to let go of the stick ong enough for him to look at it. He was so happy too, and kissed me as HUGE tears welled up in his eyes. We celebrated with a yummy dinner out.

Oh and I have gotten up in the middle of the night to pee and to secretly check my tests again, to make sure its not a cruel joke someone is playing!!! And I have taken a million pictures of them....

So in a nutshell thats how it happened. I got my BFP! Now I sit waiting patiently for the prenatal appointment that I have waited almost 3 years for. I feel like crying again, but I think thats hormones.....

A few things I have learned in my short time (3 days) being pregnant:

- Morning sickness can hit you, no matter how early you are.....and everytime I dry heave, I smile a little more....
-Apricots make you dry heave.
-Earlypregnancytest.com pregnancy tests suck!
- My boobs actually hurt more, at the thought of putting on a bra!
- my nose is that of a blood hound right now.....
-never take a pg test when your home alone, especially if you expect a good out come

Well I have been MIA for awhile. I had my third and final iui on July 8th and have been trying to get through this horrible, long tww without any distractions. So being the 18th today, I figured I would poas, knowing full well it was early. Well it was a BFN....Like I should honestly be suprised.........Have I had anything different?!?!?!

My day went downhill from there. Anything that could go wrong, did. I'm so friggin' tired!!! I hate my job, I hate the city I live in, I hate that we are dealing with IF......I hate that we are stuck here waiting for answers that NEVER EVER seem to come.......

So I guess now I should look foward to our fs appointment on Thurs....then more waiting.......I hope they can tell us something, that might actually help this situation. I looked into cycling for ivf in Vancouver or Victoria, I need my clinic to tell me what we need. If I'm not pg this time, We are moving home.....I need something to look foward to right now, and apparently having a baby wont be it.......